Academic Protocol

Everything you wanted to know about the Administration … but were afraid to ask

It is a fact that every RPI student, in his or her academic career, will have to travel several times up and down the dangerous steps that lead to the entrance of “The Pitts.” Learning how to deal with this bureaucratic ordeal can be one of the most important steps one can take towards achieving the penultimate goal, that is, getting a diploma. This chapter will deal with the problems and realities of registration, attending classes and exams, recovering from receiving your report card, and how to keep on one’s academic feet. Admittedly, not an easy task.

Registration

Registration is the act of telling the school, in as simple terms as is possible, exactly which courses you, the student, wish to take during a semester. “But,” says the registrar, “THAT would be too much like work for my office!” In fact, it is interesting to note that at RPI, so few majors even offer alternate, or elective courses, as they are more commonly known, that the act of registration is often simply an show of submission, indicating to the school that the student once again has given over to the Administration all vestiges of free will in matters of his life. Of course, at that point, the student finds the registration process little more than a tiring paper-pushing exercise, and no fun at all. This has become decidedly more so since the new “fill-in-the-dots” registration form arrived in Spring 1984.

Any documents which the Registrar would be interested in, such as registration forms and Add/Drop cards, must be signed by your advisor. So, without a doubt, one of the highlights of registration is finding out who one’s advisor is. After that, the processes of actually determining if that person is still alive, and if so, then where and when he might be approached are merely trivial exercises. Many frantic students can be seen rushing about with add/drop forms dangling from their mouths, wild-eyed in anticipation of catching the intrepid advisor in an idle moment. The actual sighting of advisors can bring a student to tears, and some students, in their excitement, have even masticated the all-important add/drop form, much to their horror! Needless to say, there can be obstacles to getting forms signed even if one finds one’s advisor. The advisor may, if diligent, insist on taking full records of your planned course load. And heaven forbid you interrupt a coffee break.

Class Attendance and Exams

So little is really known about how to attend classes that a large amount of research could be carried out on the topic. It could cover a detailed discussion on how to sleep in, skip out and in general, ignore classes, but this really of little use to RPI students, as they almost instinctively know how to do this without any help at all. Besides, nearly everyone has his own individual method. If you are looking for a quick excuse to skip classes, please skip ahead to the Chapter of Lists, which has a fine set of both reasons to punt classes and excuses to give to your TA.

Actually, why should a student attend class? Well, for a start, a large part of a student’s tuition goes toward paying the professor to show up and mutter into a microphone about the motion of an object through N dimensions, usually in words directly out of the text. Besides, if you absolutely cannot read anything in print, then a lecture might actually get the gist of the class subject across … assuming that the instructor in fact speaks intelligible American English.

This philosophy is even more evident when applied to the subject of attending exams, for very obvious reasons. It should be noted that at RPI, one does not have to take “tests;” rather, one is subjected to “quizzes,” which almost always require more time to finish (and on rare occasions … to simply read) than is allowed. On top of this hardship is the timing of these measurements of academic ability. It is not uncommon for upperclassmen to be taking two or three tests in one day. The helpless freshmen must rise before the sun on F-Test days to get to their “quizzes.” It seems like a lot of work for some pitifully small numbers, but these values sum up to the value the “real world” (i.e. parents, potential employers, even peers) uses to rate your existence.

Since exams are a hefty percentage of everyone’s QPA at RPI, a description of what to take to an exam is a very useful piece of information that many students are very unfamiliar with. A few sensible items include pens, pencils, erasers, paper and a calculator. Clearly, these elements of test taking are the most critical, so don’t buy cheap. Carry backups, just like the astronauts do, because taking an exam is a lot like being in space; you must survive this dark vacuum by your wits alone, with assistance only from whatever tools you have brought in with you. Mechanical pencils are the best bet at RPI, because every pencil sharpener at the Tute is somebody’s private property and will be on the wrong side of a locked door when you most need it.

As for calculators, well, everyone wishes he had an HP-41CX, but life is full of hardships. You might just have to settle for a TI-30, but in most cases, that will do. It certainly won’t matter what kind of calculator you have if it runs out of power in the middle of the test. Calculator Death is one of the most common reasons Tute students fail tests … when their “plastic pals who are fun to be with” fail them, their minds become catatonic. So, carry extra batteries or a wall plug or even a portable generator. This is your grade, hockey puck!

The aforementioned tools are, of course, essential to succeeding on tests. However, there are other items that one could bring that might provide that extra edge to help overcome test anxiety, or at least amuse yourself while waiting for the test time to end. First on Not the Handbook’s list is food. A wide category, we admit, but there are right foods to take to tests, and there are wrong foods. Beware anything that becomes inedible after sitting on the table for more than an hour. Junk food is the most popular stuff found at tests, for it cannot spoil, and it usually has certain stimulating effects on the mind, as well as stimulating cancer in the stomach. Twinkies, Ding Dongs, hetohs and Doritos lead the pack. Sodas, such as Coke, Pepsi (the commonest outpouring of the campus soda machines), Mountain Dew (the campus king of caffeine) and Hires can cut through the driest test throat. If you are in need of serious stimulation, or are so totally beyond help that being at the test is not going to make a significant impact on your grade, then drinks like beer, vodka or even Jack Daniels might be in order. Beware, some test proctors are not going to like seeing you drunk, unless you are willing to share.

There is a second category of items to take to tests that is almost an art. This is the category of items whose sole purpose is to either soothe the test-taker’s fears, or to totally bewilder the teaching assistants. Our personal favorite item is the stuffed animal, be it a teddy bear, a tribble or even a leather penguin. These little critters will provide something to hold onto, even during the worst tests. They provide a great buffer from test shock.

A third appeal to insanity is to bring a photo of a great scientist or mathematician to the test, setting the photo on your table or placing it in your shirt pocket with the image facing out, and telling the TA that you now have an authoritative intellectual “looking over your test.” You can’t go wrong, some people swear by this.

Another popular idea is dressing in a way which demonstrates your lack of fear, or of common sense when taking a test. Bathrobes, dark sunglasses, suits of armor and the like are very effective. Remember, the main idea here is to confuse your peers and the TA’s in the hopes of altering the probabilities on the curve.

As sort of a final word on test taking, Not the Staff feels that the best item to take to a test is still Some Idea of How to Answer the Questions. This seems to work the best, but we still don’t know why.

When taking tests, people leaving early are always a bad sign. If you are sitting in a three-hour exam, for instance, and somebody gets up after half an hour, hands his test in, and leaves, this generally means one of two things. Either he has realized that the test is trivial, which means that you don’t know what you’re doing; or else, that the test is impossible, and he has quit while he is ahead. In either case, he is obviously smarter than you are.

The C Vortex

A word or two is in order concerning the nature of these things known as grades. Few numbers at RPI will be more arbitrary than these. It will seem that the values placed on test scores, computer projects and even class attendance are totally ridiculous. They will only become clear if you understand something very basic about grading at Rensselaer.

The Curve, or as we like to think of it, the “C” Vortex, is the root fault. In large classes, for example, the instructors will be attempting, whenever they make a test up, to insure that the grades achieved will fit nicely into a curve like this: 5% with F’s, 10% with D’s, 70% with C’s, 10% with B’s and 5% with A’s. If this doesn’t work out, then our friend the arbitrary constant will be added to the grades to bring them in line with these goals. In Math classes, there may also be multiplication by a different arbitrary constant, just to prove that the Math department can do arithmetic better than anybody else.

Many of you might be thinking to yourselves, “Hey, this is bogus!” Think again. Look over your old physics course work; compare it with what the rest of your class did. Examine your efforts in relation to others while you take Engineering Courses. Think on this: Are you really doing anything all that much better than anybody else? Eventually you will see a pattern that spells “2.0” for your QPA. Keep this in mind when explaining your performance to the P & M. It is the curse of the curve.

What happens if you do fall out of the C Vortex?

Most RPI student quickly discover a basic fact of life, getting good grades is not as easy at RPI as it was in high school. In fact, you may already have become aware of Academic Probation, either through being on it yourself, or through having a friend on it. You already know how to get on probation, or if you don’t, you at least know where to look it up.

If you do get put on probation, it isn’t the end. Many people have led full and useful academic lives after being put on probation. Probation has no permanent effect on you, and should not substantially change your daily lifestyle. What it primarily means is that you should think about going and getting some help with your studies. The Learning Center is a good choice. If you are pledging a fraternity, perhaps you should talk to some of your brothers. Most of them will have taken the same courses which are giving you such problems. Some may even have passed them. If you are in a club, slack off a bit more.

If you are a freshman, probation is a warning that perhaps RPI is not the school for you. If you persist in your folly and remain on probation for your second semester, you are almost guaranteed a puntogram. The options listed above are still open to you, if you feel that you really can make a place for yourself at the Tute. Don’t be shy about asking people for help, they remember how it was.

If, however, you are a senior, or if you have other things going for you (like, for instance, a parent on the Board of Trustees, or rich parents who can afford to put you through RPI without the benefit of financial aid), you may get a reprieve. This is a letter which says that you can come back to RPI next semester, with the understanding that you will be on probation, and if you are unable to get off probation at the end of that semester, you really will get the great big boot.

This time, they really are serious.

Most of the letters you get about being put on or taken off probation will be from the Department of Academic Begging and Pleading, also known as Academic Advising. This is a department which is almost entirely concerned with finding out the real reason why you are doing so poorly, and unlike most bureaucracies, is actually open to reason. The primary reason for its open-mindedness is that it is virtually owned by one man. It could even be said that the Committee on Academic Standing lives in his pocket. If you genuinely think you can do better, or that you have been shafted by the administration, you really should go talk to this man, because not only can he help, he is even willing to try for you.

Flunking In

One of the phrases that is common with RPI students is flunking in. What this means is that your grades are too low to transfer to another school of similar caliber to RPI. Admittedly, you will always be able to use your grades to get into the smaller community colleges, but this may not meet with approval from P & M. This happens to lots of people, perhaps as many as seventy percent of Tute students. It is just one of the realities of attending Rensselaer. Your grades are posted on a sliding scale which rewards only a select few at the top.

There is very little that you can do about flunking in. This is a trap which you have been caught in thanks to way RPI chooses to grade you. In attempting to avoid grade inflation, many professors will deliberately curtail the number of grades above `C’ level which are given out. However, other schools to which you would like to transfer do not take into account the fact that a `C’ from RPI is at least as difficult as an `A’ from many other universities.

There is little that students can do to overcome the C Vortex, save for the J-Board case in the Spring of 1985, where a student had a ruling which called for a grade change. Needless to say, there was and still is a considerable uproar over this political avenue for grade enhancement. Realistically, RPI is not going to get any easier.

Not the Grading System

A

fictional grade.

B

Dean’s List minimum. Keeps the financial aid just out of reach for most students …

C

Engineering average, otherwise known as the “C” Vortex. The typical grade of 70% of most students. Keeps you in through 8 semesters.

CD

Calculator Died during final.

D

Passing. As the old adage says, “D equals P.”

F

Foom. Your tuition money, that is.

FA

Faulty Administrators. Your grade is missing, probably because you were missing from your class all semester, so they give you this grade instead of admitting that they lost the drop card.

FO

Failed due to oversleeping on day of final (note: this isn’t Final Overslept; it’s short for Fool).

HP

Hockey Player — automatic passing grade given only to Management majors.

HV

Retired to Happy Valley Country Club for semester.

I

I really tried to finish the project but … but … I just didn’t have time because I had to study for the final…which I failed because I was trying to finish the project…oh please, please don’t fail me, etc.

IP

In Progress. Yes, we know you think you’re still working on this course, but you better show us some results. Soon.

KD

(For knurds only): got above a 4.000 average by correcting professors, memorizing the CRC Chemical Handbook, completing several 600-level courses in Freshman year, rewriting MTS, etc.

NA

Never attended.

O

Failed due to oversleeping every class. (Only given for 8AM lectures).

P

Punted course.

S

Satisfactory. This isn’t worth any points; it means that you put the course on Pass-Punt, and then you passed it; or that it wasn’t worth any points to start with.

SC

System Crash. Equivalent to F on CompSci courses.

TS

Tute-Screwed — when everything imaginable and then some goes wrong and you have a -15 average in many of your classes and your roommate did nothing but annoy you all semester and life in general sucked for four months. A frightfully common RPI dilemma.

U

Unsatisfactory. See `P’ and `S’.

WD

Walkman Died. Given only on computer projects. Sitting in front of computer terminals without any contact with reality has been proven harmful to your health by the Surgeon General (of Albania).

$

Grade delayed pending unpaid bills to Institute.

*

We didn’t know what to give you, we’ll tell you next semester.